P22 Joke  v150719  MG

Cough Syrup

 The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.  He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

 The pharmacist yells, "You idiot!  You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

 The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can!  Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

The visit to the gynaecologist

This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to that  wonderful time once a year when they get to be "intimate" with their OB/GYN  doctor! In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays ($1000-$5000) for  people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the  money,$5000...  .

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the  gynaecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office  to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30a.m. I  had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already  around 8:45a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't  have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when  making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full  effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth  that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that  area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the  clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my  appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the  procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the  other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place  a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we  have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The  rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After  school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the  bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from  the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."



 An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang

 around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.


 The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the

 loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you  when to start and where to report on your first day."


 Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor  an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to

 a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an  e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm.

 Good day."


 Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his  wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates

 of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and  displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and

 makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he  ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of

 groceries for his family.


 During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By  the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the

 night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he  acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before

 a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.


 At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their  neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying

 the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community  college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has

 a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed  people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at

 the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse  which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.


 The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people  to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

 Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting  with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new

 circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to  send the final documents electronically.


 When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and  has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have

 e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if  you'd had all of that five years ago!"


 "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."


 Which brings us to the moral: ..........................

 Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a

 janitor than a millionaire.


 Sadly, I received it also.

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and liking the continual good weather settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep and after a whole day his legs were sunburnt beyond belief and he could hardly stand for the pain. So he goes along to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looks at his sunburnt legs and said, 'well, you realize that this is only a small village surgery and in reality I've really got nothing at all to help you.' 'However, try this and gives him one tablet of Viagra.' So the man says 'but I've got acute sunburn what's a Viagra tablet going to do?' The doctor says, 'basically, nothing at all for the sunburn but it will help keep the sheets off of your legs tonight.'

No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

If your regular Fishing partner! isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"



Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven year's and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two week's have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minute's, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soap's. You
don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or  anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;  whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than complete than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven
year's, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soap's so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that it doesn't work.  I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing
that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven
year's ago.

About those new silk boxer's: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was
a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollar's from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it  out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollar's, I quit my job
and bought us two ticket's to Jamaica . But when I got home  you were gone. Everything happen's for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you have always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensure's you won't get a
dime from me. So take care.

Your Ex-Wife, Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Having a Bad Day????


In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.  No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the

doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.  Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.  


Having a Bad Day????


  The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special

ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.  



Still think you are having a Bad Day????



  A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt  him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,  breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he  had been happily listening to his Walkman.  



STILL think you're having Bad Day????



  Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending  pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.  Suddenly, all two  thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,  stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled  to  death.  



What?? STILL  having  a  Bad  Day????



  Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter  bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the  bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.  



There now, feeling  better????

As I have grown older:

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,

but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.


Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one

when he was shot by the woman’s husband.


Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting

how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, 

especially after what he achieved,

winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.


Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.

He didn’t take my TV,  just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick bastard!






 Well, I never knew that !!!!


 In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat   his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.  Hence we have "the rule of thumb".


Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was  invented. It was ruled  "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the  word GOLF entered  into the English language.


The first couple to be shown in bed together on  prime time TV was  Fred and Wilma Flintstone


 Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.


 Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.


 Coca-Cola was originally green.


 It is impossible to lick your elbow.


The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:    61,000


  Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.


 The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer


 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in   history:

                        Spades - King David

                        Hearts - Charlemagne

                        Clubs -Alexander, the Great

                        Diamonds - Julius Caesar


111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321


If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has  both front legs in  the air, the person died in battle. If the horse  has one front leg in  the air the person died as a result of wounds  received in battle. If  the horse has all four legs on the ground, the  person died of natural  causes.


Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would  you have to go  until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand


 Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes,  windshield wipers, and  laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.


 Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

 A. Honey


In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on  bed frames by  ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress  tightened, making  the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase.........  "goodnight, sleep tight."


It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years  ago that for a  month after the wedding, the bride's father would  supply his  son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey  beer and  because their calendar was lunar based, this period was  called the  honey month,  which we know today as the honeymoon.


In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and  quarts... So in old  England, when customers got unruly, the bartender  would yell at them  "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's  where we get the  phrase "mind your P's and Q's"


Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a  whistle baked into  the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they  needed a refill,  they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your  whistle" is the  phrase inspired by this practice.


Don't delete this just because it looks weird.

 Believe it or not, you can read it..........


 I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was


  The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at   Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in

 a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat   ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you   can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid   deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.


                        Amazing huh?


                        ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

 At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow