Jokes

P24  V141001

Oct 14

As I have grown older:

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

 

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

 

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,  especially after what he achieved,

winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

 

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.

He didn’t take my TV,  just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick bastard!

 

Fire

One dark night in the township of Whakatane, New Zealand, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said,  "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved.  I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."   But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.  Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.  As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out  that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who  could bring out the company's secret files.  But still the fire companies could not get through.  From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.  It was the nearby Taneatua Maori rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65.  To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine  roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.  Outside, the other firemen watched  as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire  and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.  Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the  fire  and had saved the secret formulas.  The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat  he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.  The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked their chief,  "What are you going to do with all that money?"

 "Well," said Hohepa, the 70-year-old fire chief, "The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that    -! ! -! ! * - fire truck".

 

10 Cents

A father walks into a Sydney restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy three 10c coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10c's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and  coughs up the last of the 10c's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand..

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Australian Tax Office..'

 

It's time to change your password

 

 I was having trouble logging into my website so decided to call the help desk...........

Not sure why they call it 'help'.

  

User: My usual password is not working suddenly... why?

Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a new one.

User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?

Website: you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Website: No, you must get a new one.

User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.

User: ok, roses

Website: Sorry you must use more letters.

User: pretty roses

Website: you must use at least one number.

User: 1 pretty rose

Website: you cannot use blank spaces.

User: 1prettyrose

Website: you must use additional letters.

User: 1fuckingprettyrose

Website: you must use at least one capital letter.

User: 1FUCKINGprettyrose

Website: you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

User: 1Fuckingprettyrose

Website: you must use additional letters.

User: 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow

Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.

 

Toast

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.

He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter side down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.

He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.

He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.

He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

 “Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here.. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.

 “No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”

 “Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.  I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”

An investigation of some rigor is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop in Dublin .

The final ruling is negative, however, it read:

 “It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena.

Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any miraculous happening, ruling out all possible natural explanations.

In this case we have declared no miracle, for it possibly resulted from Murphy having buttered the toast on the wrong side”

Irish lawn 

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win a lottery'.

'What's dat ?', said his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut', said Paddy.

 

The Fence Repair

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House. One is from Auckland, another is from  Wellington, and the third is from Ngaruawhahia.

All three go with an official to examine the fence.

The Auckland contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Wellington contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Ngaruawhahia contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,900."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Ngaruawhahia contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Auckland to fix the fence."

"Done!" Replies the government official.

And that, my fellow taxpayers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works - and retains the spirit of the Treaty

 

Beer

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewery's decide to go to the pub for a drink. The Coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."

 The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."

 The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."

 The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"

He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."

 

The Dreaded Phone Call

My boss phoned me today. He said "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favor" he asked.

I said "Of course, What is it?"

"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in a foursome behind you."

 

Scotland

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Scotland.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she May  have to let the drunken bastard in.

 

MERLIN

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."

 

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"

 

Sign

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash. “Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”

NASA

During the initial space flights, NASA discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

 

For those who have served on jury.

This one is something to think about;  Just when you think you have heard everything!

 

 Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate! At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS)President, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

 

 On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

 

 The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

 

 When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

 

 When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

 

 The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

 

 Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist... Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

 A true story from Associated Press.

 

Microsoft Landing

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

 

 

CONGRULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN 920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. 

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. 

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. 

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

 As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a Ute on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. 

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Steers, Nandos, Red Rooster, Wendy's. Subway.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy fruit tingles, Chips, Toffees, Bubble Gum and some crackers to blow up frogs with. 

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! 

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. 

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in river beds with matchbox cars. 

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal

computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time,.no really! And in December, there was only one festive holiday....... CHRISTMAS ......  and everyone wished each other MERRY CHRISTMAS! and NOT.HAPPY HOLIDAYS take it or leave it!

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT AND NOT DUE TO BLACKMAIL, THREATS AND GUILT FROM THE PAST. strange but true!

Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bully's always ruled the playground at school. 

 The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Kiore" and "Blade" and "Ridge" and "Vanilla"

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! 

The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. 

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

 And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!  

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. 

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore 

 

 

 

End Joke